Birthdays and My Cynicism

It's that time of the year again.

Every time July arrives, the first thing that comes to my mind is the fact that my birthday is just a month away. I think I've been thinking that ever since I knew my months. The past years, I've grown to be disillusioned with birthdays. I've always been one of those people who make a big fuss on other people's birthdays, planning surprises, racking up ideas for the best gifts I can buy or even make them. I've conspired with friends and family of birthday celebrators, and done some pretty wild things. A video comes to mind, for instance. Hmm.

But I always feel my birthday to be quite empty. The last one I had was spent studying overnight for my law exam the next day. The one before that was spent looking for herbs for a friend sick with dengue. The one before that was a normal school day and I set my status message about the NBA being founded on August 3. I think the year before that was spent with a mall session. And my 18th birthday was celebrated during the swimming session of our CWTS--I always just think of it now as being in a pool party with over a hundred students and not all of them even knew me. Yup, I didn't have a debut celebration. The one before that I spent in Cebu with a plane ticket I paid for myself. And the most remarkable thing during my birthday during my senior year in high school was the fact that everyone in CAT saluted me, even the officers above me. As I kid I loved celebrating my birthdays. But that was a long long time ago.

For a long time, to me my birthday was just another normal day. I did get a few perks every now and then. I get a small surprise gift or two from friends. I'd get a free pass sometimes in class. I'd get a greeting that would make me feel kilig--I had a remarkable one last year, on my Facebook wall. This person didn't greet me until 11:54PM and told me to keep being awesome...that made me smile, especially since I was on my codal-writing mode, and that was a real breather from all the notes I was drowning in. I'd get a call from people I barely hear from during the rest of the year. And at the end of the day, things still stay the same. Nothing special happens. Nothing changes. Exams still push through. Gas prices still go up. The people who hate you still hate you. You don't stop growing old. You don't miraculously become a millionaire. Work still pours in. Your class standing doesn't shoot up for no reason. You don't get immunity for anything. Your cough doesn't go away in an instant. You're still you. A birthday is just one of the other 365 days in the year.

I think it's normal to be existentialist about birthdays, I don't think I'm the only one who does that. But what do I look forward to this year? Hmm. I reckon I'll just rant out a wishlist.

A new jacket, a new coat, an external HD, new shoes for school, new rubber shoes, shorts, a dress maybe, a full corporate attire set, new black pumps, a clipboard, that old car no one uses *ahem, Uncle J, ahem*, Sennheiser headphones, make-up(?...well, I'll be needing it), books for light reading, a nice dinner in an interesting restaurant. Haha, yeah, I'm quite simple like that.

Though there is one thing I really want, but I don't even think for a single moment it'll come to fruition anyway. And hoping for it is probably going to make me feel sadder, so yeah. But it's peace. And friendship. And forgiveness. Right, those are three things, but it comes in a package.

If anyone has the heart or the time, make me feel happy on my birthday. If you can.

My God, how cynical do I sound. Haha.