It's 4:00 in the morning, and I'm still awake. I'm supposed to be up quite early to finish some paperwork (shifting shizz, dorm stuff), yet here I am hammering away on the keyboard, awake, restless, but very tired. Partly because I'm quite queasy sleeping alone in my dorm room (I have issues, I can't sleep alone in a room, weakshit). I'm a bit scared though, finalizing my shifting tomorrow. I got accepted by the DHRIM of CHE, I got my acceptance letter last week, and started on the papers. Sure was very meh compared to a Hogwarts acceptance letter, but I'm too old to go to a wizarding school anyway. I'm not really sure what's stopping me. I guess it's because I haven't told my father yet. I never really planned on telling him, but for a while I thought it seemed appropriate to give him a heads up his eldest daughter won't be graduating as an Industrial Engineer (yet). I'd love to talk about it, but to whom? There's this someone, but it's not an option I guess.
Yes, there was a time I felt quite happy (for lack of a better word, though that's probably the closest synonym) I found one person understood, but I don't think I can approach that person--he's probably too busy fixing his own life anyway (good for him though, I heard he's getting along pretty fine). I've got boatloads of fixing to do myself, new chapter of my life they say. I have been frequenting the chapel lately, I think it's to get strength or guidance or something. Or just to talk to someone. It would be nice though to be able to talk to a human being though, someone who'll listen, someone who'd really understand, someone who wouldn't judge, someone who'll still be my friend after all the rant, someone who could give me a proper sit-down and give me a useful piece of advice or two. There are some friends I can turn to for company or for bits of life pointers, just not the type of friends I can entrust my entire basket of secrets to.
But for now, I think it's just me and whoever's listening to me in the chapel. The alone time gives me a lot of perspective anyway, and it's nice hearing myself think. Please do not brand me as emo (that's so, what, 2005?) in spite of the fact I'm always alone in my daily endeavors. I'm enjoying the me time even if it does get a bit lonely. Sometimes. The solitude is getting unnerving though, I wish classes would start pretty soon. I believe I should focus on excelling at my new field, graduating, and increasing my social capital. New chapter, game face on. Whatever happens after that, I'll be ready for you. Hopefully. Brianne loves a good challenge.
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